Review: I figure I better get this one out of the way first. Perhaps later updates will push it to the far corner of the dank basement of this blog, where we can all forget about the sordid details of balming my undercarriage.

I’m not a small man. In fact, I’m a big, fat, hairy, sweaty dude. I’ve been prone to monkey butt since childhood, and hunting for several days without a proper shower used to be quite painful from the second day on.

Not anymore, since I discovered Body Glide. Holy crap does this stuff work. (Well, in tandem with the camp shower gear, but that’s for another review.) Body Glide, I think, is manufactured using NASA’s own scientific formula of mother’s milk, ground unicorn horn, pixie dust, asbestos, and a sprinkle of stripper glitter. In fact, the more I sweat, the better Body Glide seems to work.

I’ve become so protective of my undercarriage that my hunting gear checklist goes: 1. license/tag, 2. gun, 3. sleeping bag, 4. Body Glide, and 5. maybe some food.

The beautiful irony is that I learned about Body Glide while eavesdropping on a conversation between two long distance runners. I thought to myself that I could cheat the game, and use the product without having to learn how to exercise. I mean, what the hell, I’ve seen people drinking Monster without competing in the X Games, and I’ve seen Gerfunken drive a Subaru without switching teams, so my confidence was high.

I didn’t even have to humble myself much when I first puchased it. I found it at the local outrageously priced mountain town outdoor gear store. They wanted approximately $400 for an amount not much larger than a tube of Chapstick. I gladly paid the money, it was a big relief to not have to waddle my fat ass into the local runner’s store to buy it. In the few years since I’ve discovered it, it has shown up in several other places, some of which even sell the larger size at a reasonable price (I’m too lazy to go look at the actual size, it’s maybe the same as a small stick of deodorant, about 3 times the size of the dinky one). Hell, even Big 5 has it now, which is awesome, since even I look thin and pretty in the Big 5 crowd.

A liberal application before the morning hunt (about the only thing I do liberally), a touch up and coverage of any hot spots before the afternoon hunts, and I can survive the day without cutting my underwear off and doing the penguin walk for hours. Uberjeffe can attest to how much less awkward that can make a hunt. Granted, I still need a shower (or at least a good whore’s bath) every other day at the least, but this bridges the gaps between showers like nothing else I’ve ever tried. And, baby, I’ve tried it all.

Rating on the 5 Orange Whip Scale: 5 Orange Whips!

Cost: Most places want 6-7 bucks for the teeny, tiny stick. Do your research and you’ll find the bigger, happier size for about 10 bucks. I’ve found the smaller size at locally-owned sporting goods and hiking/outdoor shops, and the bigger size at Big 5 and the New Balance Store.